Mental health recovery: A daily walk

Its been four months since I was discharged from the Akeso Psychiatric Hospital. The year 2020 really did start off with a bang for my children and my husband. I left the hospital a fragile broken person. A tired soul desperate for a miracle and finding herself face to face with a defining moment instead. As I tried to piece myself back together the country saw the first case of Covid-19 enter its borders. Shortly thereafter we found ourselves isolated in our home, cut off from our family and reeling with the rest of the nation with uncertainty. As I write this post, featured on CTInsider, I am hopeful that my story will comfort others in a similar situation.

Coming to terms with my diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder was a journey of freedom and self-discovery. I had met the depth of my broken self and was set free from so many ideas and beliefs that I had developed about myself. I had accepted deep untruths that have shaped the way I way I see myself and they way that I respond to life. Most importantly I realized that I was not bad at life, I was not an inconvenience and I was not an awful person with lesser value than others.

I am a capable woman who suffers from an illness. Upon entering lockdown I became fearful that I would regress and have to go back to hospital. With Jesus holding my hand I set foot in front of foot so cautiously taking on each day. Always aware of how far I had to walk to wholeness. My mental health recovery becoming a daily walk. I have learnt to use the skills that I was taught during my hospital stay. The more I use them the less I am inclined to lean onto my inefficient coping skills. Growing up I learnt so many unhealthy coping mechanisms, mostly I learnt how to be fearful, anxious and how to have panic attacks.

Except I did not know that, that was what I was learning. How good is God even in the midst of our personal struggles? Even though a lifetime of preconditioning had led me to this place He so faithfully sat down beside me and let me lean into Him. I learn new things about myself and about how Jesus sees me. He has shifted my whole paradigm of who He is in the midst of mental illness. I had accepted the untruth that I was responsible for my mental state of being, that I was responsible for the panic attacks and daily anxiety that I lived in. I was responsible for not being good enough. Hello? Can you say enemy?

The enemy used my illness to steal so much from me and Jesus answered my prayers in a way I did not anticipate. It did not look like I expected but He rescued me. He walked into the darkness and light up my entire world. Every day He teaches me a little more about the person He made me to be. I find myself accepting who I am as a person, a mother and a wife a little more each day. Jesus is teaching me that there is beauty in my weakness and my illness isn’t weakness. It is just an illness.

The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy but Jesus comes to restore!

As I choose to walk in His daily grace (Lamentations 3:22-23) there is a fresh awakening within me. I carry my mental health toolbox in my other hand and together we are on this journey of life. The most beautiful thing Jesus has given me in this time is the language to communicate with my family and for them to know me and really see me. This morning Emma and I had a beautiful breakthrough. I had received some news that some would call amazingly good news. Right on time news but for me news isn’t just news.

Emma sought me out and asked me gently: “Mom, because of your disorder good news is like bad news hey?”. I was so honored that she saw me. Really saw me. I was able to say: “Yes baby. Good news is like bad news to me in a way because good news brings a lot more questions and scenarios that create anxiety. Its good news but its news that has unknowns but its impossible to know everything so that where trust in Jesus comes in.” Her reply was like a sweet balm to my soul that has suffered years of mom-guilt.

“That sucks Mom. I’m sorry that you have that.” Ah my sweet baby girl broke years of guilt from my heart. For the first time ever my child had language to talk to me about how I was feeling. For the first time ever I had the language to talk to her about how I was feeling. I knew that she didn’t see me as weak, as not enough or as someone who doesn’t cope well. She saw me as her mom who has an illness and is brave for her fight against it. She glimpsed the real defining love of Jesus as He works in my life.

Wow, what a thing. If you are reading this and suffer with mental health illness, I want to encourage you that you are not alone. I know people say that but you still feel alone. However I want you to know that despite how mental health illness makes you feel isolated, alone and separated from the world, you are not alone. Stick out your hand and grab hold of the hand of Jesus. He loves you right where you are and He will walk this daily walk of mental health with you.

“…God has said, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5