A letter to the Mama in lockdown

Dear Mama in lockdown,

Yesterday I gave up. I got up for a few hours to get through Emma’s school work and to send out videos and instructions to the children in my class. It took a short few hours and it was almost more than I could bear so I dropped the guilt climbed into bed and cried myself back to sleep. I only woke up after three in the afternoon. Today I feel much better. You see, dear Mama, the mom-guilt is a million times worse during this period.

Suddenly, you are a worker bee in your own hive having to tend to little bodies or “teenagey” ones and maybe both? You no longer have a dividing factor of location and time to split your responsibilities. Now all those balls you juggle so expertly are now needing to be held at the same time. Your inbox is filled with a million lockdown activities to complete with your children during lockdown, well meaning advice on keeping your family active and mentally well. You are worried about what they are eating, the amount they are moving and screen time.

The uncertainty of next month weighs on your shoulders and you are fulfilling at least 3 full time positions (jobs) at once. The days begin and end and the weekend doesn’t feel like rest. Your facebook feed is filled with “you should start that project you always put off because you will never get free time like this again”, “you should learn a new skill”, “don’t waste this time because you will never get time like this again” and “you should rest as much as you can because you don’t want to squander this time”.

You spend hours on your work only to feel guilty because you should have spent more time completing homework with your kids so you spend more time on their homework and feel guilty because you should have done more baking, creating and fitness with them. At the end of the day you can’t wait for lockdown to end and then you feel guilty because “when will I get to be with my children like this again” and then you never want it to end… Then you feel guilty for all those who have lost their income during this time.

Dear Mama in lockdown, you are so stressed out with the expectation you place on yourself. When you see how Abby’s mother helped her to complete the daily activity and your son’s looks like a hot mess. You feel guilty for not being more. For not being able to cope during this time. “I’m just at home”, you think, “It should be easy.” Its not that simple. Life has taken an unexpected turn and we are frozen in a “fight or flight” situation. We can’t flee so you feel trapped and you can’t fight because the fight is out of our hands. You are frozen in place living each day and waiting for the next step.

This is why you feel so tightly knotted deep within,why you work even harder striving for perfection but I’m here to tell you now is not the time for perfect parenting. Now is the time for “good enough” parenting and I assure you that “good enough” will be more than enough and free you from the guilt. In fact, pediatrician and psychoanalyst, D.W. Winnicott found in his research, that children that had mothers that were”good enough” where able to live in a world of fantasy that fuels hopes and dreams as well as world that does not always meet your expectations and were better able to adjust to that circumstance.

I have this one memory from childhood that I cherish. One Saturday morning I woke up to sunlight streaming through my window and a warm gentle breeze blowing through my room. The rose trees outside my window where in bloom and their scent filled my room. As I slowly came out of the deep recess of sleep I breathed in deeply and sighed. My mother had come into my room and opened the windows and curtains while I slept. When I woke I remember feeling so cared for and loved by that simple gesture. So much so that when I have a garden of my own I intend on filling it with rose bushes. My childhood wasn’t great but this one moment is a moment that I have held onto for years. I remember that feeling as if it were yesterday.

You see, dear Mama in lockdown, your children wont remember the activities and homework or how much you had to work. They will remember the moments during that scary time when they felt loved, cherished and safe. So.Go on. Drop the mom guilt. Delete those emails, ignore that homework today, stay in your pajamas and hug your children. Or don’t. Whatever. This time is yours and you are doing so well!

From,

A fellow Mama in lockdown.